Sunday, April 13, 2014

Post-Natal Depression.....?

I was on record time low for my confidence.  I am feeling people don't love me. The loved ones are forced to be away. I met people who just value money more than human beings. Whatever I had planned for my maternity leave is not getting executed. I am failing in everything. Being aware of the fact by experience, too much of love results in broken heart, hurting and pain only. I am feeling that one day my baby whom I love so much, will leave me. I am just not able to do any desired things and when I took an hour for myself and was very happy in that, "Mom's Guilt" surrounded my heart later. 

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My so-called near n dear ones are not caring for my wish anymore and just doing all the ..... in the world. I am feeling like I am going to fall in a deep and blacky dark well. I just don't know what is being served in front of me. This is the same feeling I had before leaving my hometown for my big job, the same feeling before my wedding. But that time at-least there was some hope. This time I am feeling all negative.... like I have nobody in whole world.  Generally, the people who motivate me whenever I am low, sense it and destiny makes some reason so that they contact me. Nothing like that is happening now and I too not getting any excuse to talk to those friends. The big thing is I am not meeting my "God" too. One of my failure is restricting me to go to temple daily and not seeing God and no worshipping is making me more sad. Maybe God is with me... No, I mean I am sure, God is with me... But I am not with God.  At one moment, I am feeling that I just have given up before even fighting the battle and at other moment I just don't know how to face and handle the things. At one moment, I don't want to go away from somebody but some other is forcing me to do so. I am doing nothing, I am just nowhere and I am none. I want to get-up and get going but I am not able to do so. I am just shedding my tears in shower and I don't know the reason. 
Am I afraid by the new responsibility? Don't know. Am I feeling sad because I am not independent now? Yes, that may be the reason. But then if that would be the reason,  I have plans to overcome but why I am not able to execute them? I know love will fill this heart again. But I can't pass this moment. I know Winning will become my habit once again but losing now is terrible.


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